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sylent/shooter
2009-11-11, 23:26
A short story for my english class that I have comprised mostly from my imagination but having some relation to Project Reality I decided to post it up. It is based off of the Kashan desert map. This is part 1 and I am currently working on part 2. Suggestions as well as constructive critiscism is welcome. :D




The engine roared to life as the HMMV moved forward over the rough, sandy ground. The 49th Armoured division had been chosen to liberate a small but crucial town that was under MEC control. This town, un-named, was a very small village built on the middle of a desert and surrounded by a mountain range. All supplies to Pakistan and Afghanistan moved through this town. Whoever controlled the town, controlled the Middle Eastern gateway, as was so commonly referred to by high command. And for that very reason was why the 49th Armoured Division was chosen for the task.
Comprised of three M1A2 Abram tanks, one LAVIII or light armoured vehicle and some fast attack vehicles. The unit was more than equipped to attack this stronghold. Backed by the 49th Armoured infantry battalion, in which was tasked in support of the vehicles, mainly tanks and LAV’s. They were also supposed to clear the town of hostile units.



As the convoy started moving a voice came over the radio of the HMMWV. “Men today is the day that we have trained for, we are to attack this town and if possible eliminate the hostile Middle Eastern Coalition forces.” A flurry of activity could be heard over the radio as Sergeants and Lieutenants complied. “Here we go Murphy.” Sergeant Danozo said, “This is what we came to do.” “Yeah.” agreed Private Murphy in an excited tone. Both Sergeant Danozo and Private Murphy were men basically cut from the same cloth. Lean but athletic, they both came to the army from basically the same area of Canada. Training together, they learned to befriend each other and that friendship grew. The convoy now moving relatively fast, considering the dirt roads and sharp corners, was passing a small outlying village. Women and children were busy tending to fields and gathering water from a small well. Going about, their daily lives as if the moving convoy was nothing to be taken seriously. They seemed to have been around military forces before. “Quite strange,” Danozo said, “ I don’t see any men.” “ Probably inside, taking a nap,” said Murphy “I know I’d like to do that to get out of this heat.” They both chuckled. “Hey Ryans! You see anything up there?” yelled Danozo. “ Nothing.” was the reply from the .50cal turret on the HMMWV. Private Ryans was this squads, gunner on the HMMWV. New blood to the division and the squad, Ryans was imported in from another battalion after the old gunner was killed.
Being the topic of discussion and sometimes jokes, Private Ryans was not a very friendly person, although he was a respectable man, and great with a gun. At only the age of 19 he was the child of the group.



The convoy moved on, through the small village. No contact was made between any enemy forces or militia which made Danozo uneasy. “I was expecting that we come into contact.” he said nodding to Murphy . “ I don’t understand why there has been no-one here.” “Don’t worry about it.” Murphy replied. Just then the general came over the HMMWV radio. “Ok, we’re going to pull over up here to get our bearings. I want 2 tanks to cover our rear followed by a HMMWV then another tank, HMMWV, LAV, then HMMWV.”
Pulling over to the side of the road Danozo, got out of the HMMWV, followed by Murphy while Ryans stayed in the turret. Walking over to a tree that offered little protection from the sun which, by now, was shining straight down, the two men encountered General Batton and Lieutenant Parker. “Well howdy there.” General Batton said. Murphy and Danozo both saluted automatically. “Please, please no need for such formal addresses.” said General Batton, “ We are in fact at war and I don’t want these nitty gritty rules.” he said smiling. Danozo and Murphy looked at each other and nodded to the General, saying “Yes sir” almost in sync. “Now, does anyone know where we are?” asked General Batton. “Yes sir.” replied Lieutenant Parker. He took out a map and pointing to it said “ We’re in A4 keypad1 of the map that was supplied to us by military reconnaissance.” “Our current bearing is 270 degrees and we need to go East.” he said pointing to the map again. “Let me see that map.” said General Batton. Parker handed over the map to General Batton. “Ok it looks to me that if we position two tanks on the outer mounds by the farmers field, we can have cover fire as infantry and fast attack vehicles move in and assault the west wall.” Murphy and Danozo, walked away as General Batton and Lieutenant Parker were continuing to debate the correct fire position and attack plan for assaulting the city.
“ Man those guys.” Murphy said. “Yeah” said Danozo chuckling. Walking back to their parked HMMWV, Murphy and Danozo stopped to survey the surrounding landscape.
Whilst looking around, Murphy noticed a strange shape in a field bordering the road. “ Hey Danozo.” he said anxiously tapping Danozo on the back. “ What you suppose that is?” “ Not a clue.” Danozo replied. “I’ll take a look.” Lifting his scope of his gun to his eye, he adjusted the focus. But unfortunately he could not get a good focus on the target. “ I still can’t tell.” he said.



Yelling back to another HMMWV, Danozo got a hold of the infantry’s marksman squad. “ These guys can tell us.” he said as the two men hurriedly unpacked the M21 rifle and the marker and laid on the ground. “What do you see?” asked Murphy. “Just a sec....” the mans words where cut off by the shear loudness of the rockets being launched. ‘OH crap!” Yelled Murphy as a rocket streaked towards their HMMWV. “Ryans get the Hell off that Machine Gun!” “Why?” asked Ryans as he looked towards the field. His eyes widened at the horror that was streaking towards him. He had just enough time to jump out of the hatch onto the ground, as the HMMV exploded behind him. Another rocket streaked towards the HMMWV behind Danozo’s. There was nothing Murphy or Danozo could do as the rocket slammed into the broadside of the vehicle instantly exploding and catching the vehicle and all it’s occupants on fire. The screams of the people that did not die in the explosion could be heard as they burned alive. By this time, General Batton and Lieutenant Parker as well as the marksman squad were returning fire. Danozo and Murphy just stared at the burning HMMWV as Ryans ran past them jumping on his belly and started to shoot. Suddenly military training kicked in and Murphy and Danozo turned around and as Danozo was barking orders, Murphy took out his rifle and started to shoot. Just then the ground started to rumble, and looking just beyond the two enemy in the field was a horror that made Murphy just stop and point. Four enemy T-90 tanks rolled over the mound of dirt behind the two men and stopped. As they stopped they all took shots simultaneously. One of the poorly aimed shots hit the ground just in front of the mound of dirt Murphy, Danozo and the other soldiers were behind. Sending dust and fragments of the shell flying in all directions. Another one, aimed a bit better, directly hit the LAVIII instantly creating a explosion and fireball that shot the turret of the vehicle into the sky and landing some 50 feet behind the vehicle. The other two shots hit, their respected targets, when a HMMWV exploded and flipped over and a Fast attack vehicle blew up, injuring four soldiers. Cries of medic and orders could be heard.



“Holy crap!” yelled Murphy, “ I thought we had tank support!” Just as he said that, almost like angels from above, three M1A2 Abrams tanks rolled around the corner of the road and took aim at the T-90's. Three of the T-90's started to turn their turrets towards the new threat, as the Abrams fired. Instantly one of the tanks, exploded in a fireball, while another had it’s turret shot off. The third tank, was hit in the side and as it caught on fire, the crew jumped out of the top hatch and were instantly cut down by machine gun and rifle fire. The fourth T-90 started to retreat, pulling backwards from the mound and exposing the underside. A soldier equipped with a AT-4 shoulder mounted rocket, took a shot at the weak underside of the tank, and as the rocket pierced the bottom of the tank, there was a muffled explosion. “Nice shot!” yelled Danozo. “Than...” was the response he got as the man was shot. Yelling to the line, Danozo asked for a SAW light machine gun, to put fire on the enemy position as infantry moved up. As the weapon laid down covering fire, Danozo, Murphy, Ryans, and some other infantry moved up to assault the enemy position. As they ran across the open field Danozo heard a muffled thud. When he looked behind him he noticed Murphy lying on the ground face first. Danozo turned around and rushed to the aid of his wounded friend. “Your going to be okay Murphy.” he said “It’ll be okay.”



He continued to comfort his friend while a combat medic came upon the scene. His analysis of Murphy wasn’t the greatest. Murphy had been struck right above the waist, and was bleeding profusely. The only way for Murphy to survive was to be medi-vac-ed out of the battle-zone. Danozo picked up Murphy and carried him, on his soldiers back across the field onto the road. He was talking to him the whole time as he tried to stop the bleeding. Then off in the distance Danozo heard the faint sound of a blackhawk helicopter. He ran to the General’s HMMWV and picked up a red signaling smoke grenade and tossed it into the field. As the Blackhawk flew over the hill, it saw the red signal smoke and started to make it’s descent. “Everything is gonna be okay.” Danozo said to his friend as the helicopter crew loaded him aboard.

goguapsy
2009-11-12, 00:12
Awesome! Interesting story! But here is the thing...



Private Ryans was this squads, gunner on the HMMWV.This looks gramatically incorrect.


in A4 keypad1 I lol'ed

as the HMMV exploded behind him Typo here


And well, I don't know how realistic is this story supposed to be, but I would suggest trading MECs for a different army, existing army for example Israeli Defense Forces.

Also, I would really like if you rewrote the part that the rocket is going towards Ryan. I mean, try to slow it down, as in it was slow-mo, and Ryans "turns his face towards the rocket. The smoke trail and the projectile were coming right towards his eyes." "OH SH*T!" BOOM, HMMWV explodes. Through the dust plumes (is that correct?) a coughing can be heard. Ryan had just jumped out of the car in time.

Also, make the scene when Murphy gets shot much more dramatic (as in Murphy stopped. He felt cold. He couldn't feel his legs, his eyes got blured. All he could see was some sillouetes (typo I'm sure) on the ridge lines over the hill. Danzono then turns around: Murphy has been shot.)

You don't have to copy my words exactly (especially because they are spelled wrong XD), but that's what I would like to see. Let me know when part II is out!

Cheers mate.

Truism
2009-11-12, 04:10
Your story is not realistic in several parts, but your teacher is unlike to be able to recognise those bits.

OkitaMakoto
2009-11-12, 04:26
Very fun read. I too, loled at the "keypad" line.
Also, not sure about Canada, and well not sure for US either I guess, but I dont think a general would micro troops to such an extent. Telling what type of column for a stop at a village... would prolly be done by a lieutenant or something or other? mid Officer, not high up general... just my thought...

Also, a few misplaced commas. You threw a few commas in that dont belong. I do it too, but you did it more than me [if thats possible] ;)
Whoever controlled the town, controlled the Middle Eastern gateway, as was so commonly referred to by high command.
The convoy moved on, through the small village.
to point out a few ;)


Also, this line is very strange to me
Training together, they learned to befriend each other and that friendship grew.
Makes it seem as if they had some major difference but inspite of that, "learned" to like one another. If you want them to really be friends like in the current story, say something like
Training together, they had quickly befriended one another and while on deployment, that friendship had grown.

Something like that... showing the continued strengthening of their relationship.

I also like the advice of slowing things down. Not everything, and not only action, but thoughts, feelings, images, actions, etc.

Mind if I ask what year of school?

Mentharian
2009-11-12, 08:24
Passive voice!

I noticed that you frequently use forms of "to be" verbs - "was" in particular. Don't do this! It weakens your writing. Active voice produces stronger sentences and forces you to use more action verbs.

Passive voice:
The 49th Armoured division had been chosen to liberate a small but crucial town that was under MEC control.

Active voice:
Major General Mattis assigned the 49th Armoured Division to liberate a small but crucial town held under MEC control.

The Passive Voice (http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/passive.htm)
Passive Voice and Passive Writing | Suite101.com (http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_write_a_romance_novel/100759)

The second link is far more relevant to you, even though it is on writing a romance novel. Focuses on mechanics of writing a story. Found it on google, so don't judge me.

Herbiie
2009-11-12, 08:52
Try not to go into too much detail about what support they have, instead of 3 M1A2s 1 LAVIII or w.e just have something like, "with a squadron of terrifying main battle tanks (MBTs), and a host of lighter support vehicles, the 49th were more than ready for the task at hand."

Also even for the action scenes, like when the rockets are destroying all the humvees, try to describe one explosion vividly and the other more as side notes, e.g. "Ryans jumped from the hatch. He'd barely hit the floor as a rocket slammed into the side of the HMMWV, pushing it over onto it's doors. The following explosion blew Murphy and Banozo onto the dusty ground. Bits of twisted metal flew around, covering the sand in debris. More missiles flew into the rest of the convoy, scattering the column as those who survived desperately tried to get out of the firing line."

Or something :)

Also, a few things to remember:

- Short sentences = quick tempo, tension, action.
- Describing stuff is awesome - do it as much as you can.
- When a new person is speaking there should be a new line.
- Try not to repeat yourself too much, never use the same noun/verb/adjective within a couple of lines of one another.
- Also try not to go into as much detail about what is happening, the reader has an imagination, all you need to do is feed it with lovely adjectives.
- Number's aren't good - the reader doesn't really need to know how many of something there are unless it becomes important later on. So try using words such as a Squadron, a group, or something like that. If you want to say exactly how much then words like a trio of in stead of three, or a pair of instead of 2 is much better.

Other than that Good story :) Good imagination.

What year at school are you, if you don't mind?

sylent/shooter
2009-11-12, 11:31
Thanks for all the critiscm and comments. I'll be glad to change these details when I work on the second part. (Hopefully I have enough brains to do so) to answer that question about what grade I'm in, that would be the tenth grade. Currently, it was just a 3 page short story, but I have decided to continue it, in hopes of stretching it out, into a fairly good sized story. I'm not sure if I should continue on with the scene inside the Blackhawk or not. There wouldn't be much of one, just the flight EMP stabilizing him (Murphy).

If you want to know, I have no idea what the 49th Armoured Division is, as I just thought of a name off the top of my head. The part i realized was that in the first part, it says that they came from Canada, but they use american vehicles. I think I may use this as a cohesion of American and Canadian personal that have been called the 49th.



What I would really like to do with this story is make it into a Project Reality short film. I think the plot line allows for this pretty well, although It might need some work :D

goguapsy
2009-11-12, 15:10
If you get the right people you can make a film.

I volunteer :P lol let me know if you'll make it I can help you out with acting and game mechanics.

And I agree with slowing things down, and decreasing the details. Yeah, if you mention M1A2 Abrams and LAVIII you show you have knowledge on it... But it may also show that you are too alienated to what does the story have instead of how does the story goes... Your teacher may also play PR and think "Oh this student is only making an AAR of a round...". Truth is, I am your teacher. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH joking.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but a division is... HUGE right?

Good luck mate.

sylent/shooter
2009-11-12, 20:37
Not a clue, what I meant by that is a medium sized group backed up by infantry squadrons in vehicles. It could also just be that I wrote it from the perspective of the forward elements of the group, as I did. I kind of let the reader decide that. :D

Bringerof_D
2009-11-12, 23:55
lol what if...JUST what if, your teacher plays PR and recognizes the A4 Kp1 reference or the MEC?

would make for a funny explanation for you AND him/her...when you ask them how they knew.

sylent/shooter
2009-11-13, 00:30
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA good point but I doubt she does, as she doesn't have a computer that we know about/. (i.e class)

Scared_420
2009-11-13, 03:18
WAY to many commas, you need to only use them to continue a sentence not to carry on for a paragraph,, when a reader sees a comma they stop shortly and continue,,, cut back on the commas and the story will progress a lot more quickly as it should in a short war story.

sylent/shooter
2009-11-13, 11:47
Roger that. Thanks for the thoughts and information :D

Wicca
2009-11-14, 05:47
I liked this, i have bokmarked this page in wait for the glorious 2nd part! :P

Seriously WRITE MORE STUFF LIKE THIS!

PR really needs some good Fan based novels, shortstories and even machinimas. I would dig deep within the realms of PRs community, if it had all of the above!

Teek
2009-11-14, 08:54
A bit of English class tips, just trying to be constructive.
My english teacher would often make notes between the lines of my essays with her suggestions in this manner.
Now, I have been noted for nit picking peoples work, but I am a perfectionist, and any offenses not intended.
A short story for my english class


The engine roared to life as the HMMV moved forward over the rough, sandy ground. The 49th Armoured division had been chosen to liberate a small but crucial town that was under MEC control. This town, un-named, was a very small villageVery basic diction here, if you used something like "quaint hamlet, you could add atmosphere (also see foot note) built on the middle of a desert and surrounded by a mountain range. All supplies to Pakistan and Afghanistan moved through this town. Whoever controlled the town, controlled the Middle Eastern gateway, as was so commonly referred to by high command. And for that very reason was why the 49th Armoured Division was chosen for the task.
Comprised of three M1A2 Abram tanks, one LAVIII or light armoured vehicle and some try a more interesting word here (handful?) fast attack vehicles. The unit was more than equipped to attack this stronghold. Backed by the 49th Armoured infantry battalion, in which was tasked in support of the vehicles, mainly tanks and LAV’s. They were also supposed to clear the town of hostile units.

(Footnote): Try to show the reader, not just tell them. "The village was very small and was in the desert" is not as engaging as "a town consisting of a ramshackle collection of buildings arraigned haphazardly in the barren desert valley" as an example

As the convoy started moving a voice came over themaybe add a adjective? eg: was it crackling, or crisp? radio of the HMMWV. “Men today is the day that we have trained for, we are to attack this town and if possible eliminate the hostile Middle Eastern Coalition forces.” A flurry of activity could be heard over the radio as Sergeants and Lieutenants complied. “Here we go Murphy.” Sergeant Danozo said, “This is what we came to do.” “Yeah.” maybe a Hooah for intrest and immersion? agreed Private Murphy in an excited tone. Both Sergeant Danozo and Private Murphy were men basically un-needed, makes it vauge cut from the same cloth. Lean but athletic, they both came to the army from basically the same area of Canada. Training together, they learned to befriend each other and that friendship grew. The convoy now moving relatively fast, considering the dirt roads and sharp corners, was passing a small outlying village. Women and children were busy tending to fields and gathering water from a small well. Going about, their daily lives as if the moving convoy was nothing to be taken seriously. They seemed to have been around military forces before. “Quite strange,” Danozo said, “ I don’t see any men.” “ Probably inside, taking a nap,” said Murphy “I know I’d like to do that to get out of this heat.” They both chuckled. “Hey Ryans! You see anything up there?” yelled Danozo. “ Nothing.” was the reply from the .50cal turret on the HMMWV. Private Ryans was this squads, gunner on the HMMWV. New blood to the division and the squad, Ryans was imported in from another battalion after the old gunner was killed.
Being the topic of discussion and sometimes jokes, Private Ryans was not a very friendly person, although he was a respectable man, and great with a gun. At only the age of 19 he was the child of the group.



The convoy moved on, through the small village. No contact was made between any enemy forces or militia which made Danozo uneasy. “I was expecting that we come into contact.” he said nodding to Murphy . “ I don’t understand why there has been no-one here.” “Don’t worry about it.” Murphy replied. Just then the general okay, it may not matter that this may be inaccurate, as the general wouldnt really be leading a colum, but the adverage image of a general is very very high rank, and is a bit disconected from the troops, try using a colonel or captain, maybe a bit more personal that way came over the HMMWV radio. “Ok try maybe "all troops" or "all vehicles"? he needs to address someone, we’re going to pull over up here to get our bearings. I want 2 tanks to cover our rear followed by a HMMWV then another tank, HMMWV, LAV, then HMMWV.” you could avoid going into such laborious detail that is quite unnessisary here by paraphrasing what the leader said instead of him saying it, eg "the leader's voice buzzed over the truck's radio, commanding his units to make a pit stop and stay on guard
Pulling over to the side of the road Danozo, got out of the HMMWV, followed by Murphy while Ryans stayed in the turret. Walking over to a tree that offered little protection from the sun which, by now, was shining straight down, the two men encountered General Batton and Lieutenant Parker. more reason to have some one of lower rank than general, as he would be accomplied by maybe a captain or colonel and would be at HQ, maybe field HQ in a M577 or two (havent you seen the movie "Patton" :P) “Well howdy there.” General Batton said. Murphy and Danozo both saluted automatically. “Please, please no need for such formal addresses.” said General Batton, “ We are in fact at war and I don’t want these nitty gritty rules.” side note: there is no salutes on the battlefield due to potential snipers (maybe expain that to the reader instead? he said smiling. Danozo and Murphy looked at each other and nodded to the General, saying “Yes sir” almost in sync. “Now, does anyone know where we are?” asked General Batton. “Yes sir.” replied Lieutenant Parker. He took out a map and pointing to it said “ We’re in A4 keypad1 lol, how about "Grid Alpha 4 Kilo 1? of the map that was supplied to us by military reconnaissance.” un needed “Our current bearing is 270 degrees and we need to go East.”perhaps state the bearing of the road they are on? he said pointing to the map again. “Let me see that map.” said General Batton. Parker handed over the map to General Batton. “Ok it looks to me that if we position two tanks on the outer mounds by the farmers field, we can have cover fire as infantry and fast attack vehicles move in and assault the west wall.” Murphy and Danozo, walked away as General Batton and Lieutenant Parker were continuing to debate the correct fire position and attack plan for assaulting the city.
“ Man those guys.” Murphy said. “Yeah” said Danozo chuckling. Walking back to their parked HMMWV, Murphy and Danozo stopped to survey the surrounding landscape.
Whilst looking around, Murphy noticed a strange shape in a field bordering the road. “ Hey Danozo.” he said anxiously tapping Danozo on the back. “ What you suppose that is?” “ Not a clue.” Danozo replied. “I’ll take a look.” Lifting his scope of his gun to his eye, he adjusted the focus. But unfortunately he could not get a good focus on the target. “ I still can’t tell.” he said.
good!


Yelling back to another HMMWV, Danozo got a hold of the infantry’s marksman squad. “ These guys can tell us.” he said as the two men hurriedly unpacked the M21 rifle and the marker and laid on the ground. “What do you see?” asked Murphy. “Just a sec....” the mans words where cut off by the shear loudness poor diction here, "deafening roar"?of the rockets being launched. ‘OH crap!” Yelled Murphy as a rocket streaked towards their HMMWV. “Ryans get the Hell off that Machine Gun!” “Why?” asked Ryans as he looked towards the field. His eyes widened at the horror that was streaking towards him. He had just enough time to jump out of the hatch onto the ground, as the HMMV exploded behind him. Another rocket streaked towards the HMMWV behind Danozo’s. There was nothing Murphy or Danozo could do as the rocket slammed into the broadside of the vehicle instantly exploding and catching the vehicle and all it’s occupants on fire. The screams of the people dictionthat did not die in the explosion could be heard as they burned alive. By this time, General Batton the Gen. has a rifle? and Lieutenant Parker as well as the marksman squad were returning fire. Danozo and Murphy just stared at the burning HMMWV as Ryans ran past them jumping on his belly and started to shoot. Suddenly military training kicked in and Murphy and Danozo turned around and as Danozo was barking orders, Murphy took out his rifle and started to shoot. Just then the ground started to rumble, and looking just beyond the two enemy in the field was a horror that made Murphy just stop and point. Four enemy T-90 tanks rolled over the mound of dirt behind the two men and stopped. As they stopped they all took shots simultaneously. One of the poorly aimed shots hit the ground just in front of the mound of dirt also know as a Berm in military parlance Murphy, Danozo and the other soldiers were behind. Sending dust and fragments of the shell flying in all directions. Another one, aimed a bit better, diction directly hit the LAVIII instantly creating a explosion and fireball that shot the turret of the vehicle into the sky and landing some 50 feet behind the vehicle. The other two shots hit, their respected targets, when a HMMWV exploded and flipped over and a Fast attack vehicle blew up, injuring four soldiers. Cries of medic and orders could be heard.



“Holy crap!” yelled Murphy, “ I thought we had tank support!” Just as he said that, almost like angels from above, three M1A2 Abrams tanks rolled around the corner of the road and took aim at the T-90's. Three of the T-90's started to turn their turrets towards the new threat, as the Abrams fired. Instantly one of the tanks, exploded in a fireball, while another had it’s turret shot off. The third tank, was hit in the side and as it caught on fire, the crew jumped out of the top hatch and were instantly cut down by machine gun and rifle fire. two uses of the word fire in the same sentence, try replacing one The fourth T-90 started to retreat, pulling backwards from the mound and exposing the underside. A soldier equipped with a AT-4 shoulder mounted rocket, took a shot at the weak underside of the tank, and as the rocket pierced the bottom of the tank,engulphing it in a there was a muffled explosion. edited for pacing and less comma's “Nice shot!” yelled Danozo. “Than...” was the response he got as the man was shot. Yelling to the line, Danozo asked for a SAW light machine gun, to put fire on the enemy position as infantry moved up. As the weapon laid down covering fire, Danozo, Murphy, Ryans, and some other who are they, just some guys? or the fellow infantrymen? infantry moved up to assault the enemy position. As they ran across the open field Danozo heard a muffled thud. When he looked behind him he noticed Murphy lying on the ground face first. Danozo turned around and rushed to the aid of his wounded friend. “Your going to be okay Murphy.” he said “It’ll be okay.”



He continued to comfort his friend while a combat medic came upon the scene. His analysis of Murphy wasn’t the greatest try a synonym?. Murphy had been struck right above the waist, and was bleeding profusely. Good word choice The only way for Murphy to survive was to be medi-vac-ed out of the battle-zone. Danozo picked up Murphy and carried him, on his soldiers back across the field onto the road. He was talking to him the whole time as he tried to stop the bleeding. reminded me of "all quite on the western front", which is a good thing, in fact, you could pull a page from it and elaborate this scene Then off in the distance Danozo heard the faint sound of a blackhawk helicopter. He ran to the General’s HMMWV and picked up a red signaling smoke grenade and tossed it into the field. As the Blackhawk flew over the hill, it saw the red signal smoke and started to make it’s descent. “Everything is gonna be okay.” Danozo said to his friend as the helicopter crew loaded him aboard.