The Complete Military History of France

[OiSkout]

Hehe, I read this on another site, so none of this is mine. I also don't mean to offend anyone, but I mean hell, it's a joke. Some parts have pretty good puns(Dien Bien Flu? Hahaha)

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "Frances armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King Williams War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded French the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to Frances ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.].

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonalds.

[Expendable Grunt]

Yeah...well, this patriot doesn't deny that France played a key role in my nations independence. I guess the fact that France was a world super power at a few points in history means nothing to you?

[[R-CON]Desertfox]

Originally Posted by Expendable Grunt

Yeah...well, this patriot doesn't deny that France played a key role in my nations independence. I guess the fact that France was a world super power at a few points in history means nothing to you?

I guess the fact its a joke means nothing to you?

[OiSkout]

Apparently stuff like "Dien Bien Flu" and "Marlborough" is only funny to me.

[BlakeJr]

This is a joke?
On whose expense are we laughing?

I suppose the jokes on me then, hahah

Thread locked. Threads like these will only lead to overly heated debates on which country is the better... No matter which country is involved.