Military related jokes

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[Happy]

Hilarious
A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.

He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.

He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.

Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?"

The TSGT said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."

LOL bong i like that heheh, heres another

A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk. The little boy was playing with a pile of shit.
Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO".
The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO".
The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO".
"Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"

[solodude23]

Haha, all three were hilarious.

ok for rangers here ya go

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

or yet another heheh...

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted,
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said,
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[solodude23]

Originally Posted by BluDragon

ok for rangers here ya go

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

Hahaha. I demand more! Ahhh....its pretty sad when your too lazy to google.

[E7-JS]

lol too funny

[Gunfighter34ID]

This one is older than dirt but we'll give it a go...

An Army sergeant and a Marine sergeant walk into a latrine at the same time and begin taking a whiz. The Marine finishes first and heads over to the sink and starts washing his hands. Then the Army sergeant finishes up and heads straight for the exit door.

"Hey sergeant," the Marine says, "Don't they teach you Army guys proper personal hygiene?"

To which the Army sergeant responds, "Sergeant, in the Army we know better than to piss on our hands."

[Gunfighter34ID]

How many military personnel does it take to screw in a light bulb? The answer is nine.

You need a Marine PR officer to coordinate with the press, a half-dozen Marines to pose for the cameras and talk about how tough the Marines are and how good they are at screwing in light bulbs, and a Marine general to talk about the long history the Marines have of screwing in lightbulbs around the world and to make sure the Corps gets proper credit for screwing in the bulb.

You also need one Army infantryman to actually screw in the bulb.