KP's opinion on the world

[Brummy]

Meh. You never speak about Norwegians Come on, next one has to be about the people of Norway

[ArmedDrunk&Angry]

Zey vill haff zee gray also.

[[R-MOD]KP]

Bad TV is good for the kids


I hate being sick. So, I'll bet, do you. Not so much for the physical discomfort or the symptoms, though. Yes, your arms, legs and any other extremities you may have hurt almost as much as your head. But that can be helped by a good dose of painkillers. Yes, you are a pale, sweaty mess of virulent disease and oozing bodily fluids, which makes your friends avoid you. And that's really a good thing, because it means you have time to lie on the couch, near-sleeping, stoned on painkillers, and watch all those episodes of 24 you missed last season.

Nope, it's none of those. What I hate about being sick is the boredom. It's all right for a day or two, but then all the terrorists are dead and Dr House has insulted everyone. Now what?
Being male, I'm never just a little ill. If I should break my arm, I will smile bravely and say, "No big deal. Bad for my sex life, though..." If, however, I should get a sore throat, I spend my day moaning and asking passers-by if they could please, please take a shotgun and put me out of my misery. A runny nose? It must be bird flu. A slight fever? That'll be Ebola, probably the Zaire strain, which kills 90 per cent of its victims. So I spend my day wondering when I'll start bleeding internally and telling my little brother that no, he can't have my TV when all my organs have shut down and I have died a painful death.

While I've never actually died in a pool of vomit and bloody diarrhoea, this severely limits the things I can do to entertain myself. If I'm on vacation and there's no-one home, I'll go for a run. Good for the body, good for the boredom, but bad for the bird flu. House-cleaning is something I avoid like the plague even when I have it. And getting completely and utterly rat-faced drunk to forget the fact that your kidneys will start falling apart soon? Out of the question. Being hung over is bad, but being hung over while having Ebola is even worse. No listening to music, either, because you'll have the mother of all headaches, having run out of pills the day before, and Phil Collins is sure to finish you off even before the anthrax does. And while I have an Internet on my computer, it is full of cat pictures, lies, evil and sexual deviants.

So the only options left are to read a book or watch TV. And of those, only the first one is really an option. Watching TV today is absolutely pointless, because - except for House and the odd episode of CSI, obviously - there is absolutely nothing to watch. Switch on your TV right now and, even if you have half a million channels, I can almost guarantee you'll find nothing worth watching. These days, you can have every single channel in the world, from CNN to obscure Russian porn channels, and all you will find is reality shows and Paris Hilton.

This is not a major problem for you, because if you don't want to watch Date My Grandmother's Half-Sister, you don't have a problem reading about Andy McNab's Colombian escapades instead. For sick kids, however, it's not so easy. I remember when I was a kid. We had plenty of good kids' TV shows with which to spend our time. Nowadays, however, all the shows involve blonde girls singing or are Japanese and poorly dubbed, with a plot that is impossible for me, let alone a 7-year-old, to figure out.

This may sound horrible for the children, but I think it is actually a good thing. Parents obviously don't want their sick kids to stay home alone and watch German lady-man prostitutes being whipped on TV, so they are forced to spend time with them instead.

I remember the time I spent with my parents, laughing and getting thoroughly thrashed at Monopoly by my little brother. It was great. The sort of childhood memory that can make you smile even when you've got a cough and are sure it's pneumonic plague. Now, ten years later, things have moved on. Instead of Monopoly and Scrabble, we have 42" LCD televisions, Call of Duty and Die Alien Bastards. I can only imagine the pleasure a child would find in staying home sick and spending his day trying to give his father a good whipping around Eiger Nordwand in Gran Turismo.

I know for sure I'd much rather have it like that when I was a kid. In fact, I'd much rather have it like that now. Bring a few mates over and laugh spitefully when the others get their answers in Buzz wrong. Then, next round, press the wrong button, accidentally answer that Slipknot performed Another Brick In The Wall, and have everyone else steal all your points. Life doesn't get much better than that.

Some - boring - people would at this point say that video games are bad for the children because they do not learn anything from them. True, apart from how to kill aliens with a shotgun, they don't. But, then again, what do you learn from Monopoly? Only that if you should ever want to buy Oxford Street, you'll have to cough up 300 quid, cash.

No, if I had kids, I wouldn't let them spend their sick days watching Britan's Apparently Got No Talent Whatsoever. Instead, I'd let them laugh the hours away trying to shoot their father in the face.

[Emnyron]

Win..

Definately win..

[[R-MOD]KP]

Communists, just let the new fighters fight the gangs

As most of you have probably caught on to by now, the world is in a financial crisis. Not long ago, people set fire to their money just to get rid of it. Now Iceland is bankrupt, General Motors is toppling over because no-one can afford petrol, and you have to sell your dog to feed your children. Or, depending on your priorities, sell your children to feed your dog.

In fact, it seems the only thriving industry is the one dealing in arms. Arms as in fighter planes and weapons, that is, not arms as in … well, arms. The arms, as in arms, industry is still very small. A quick look through the Yellow Pages, and I couldn’t find a single store that sells them. Though with all the dismembering going on in Congo these days, that business might be on the up as well.

If the newspapers are to be believed, the gangs of Oslo are buying and stashing more and more arms, using children still in school as couriers to get their Berettas, Uzis and Kalashnikovs from A to B. The AK-47 is the most prolific rifle in the world, and most of them, apparently, are to be found in the hands of gang members in Oslo. It would seem that they are sold on the street corners alongside drugs and sex, and that every Norwegian knows somebody who could sell you a reasonably priced sub-machinegun if you wanted to kill your neighbour’s dog in order to feed your kids.

I think they’re blowing it a bit out of proportion, though. If I had to buy some arms on the street, I wouldn’t have the first clue where to go. And I wouldn’t have any idea where to get an AK-47 either.

No matter. The fact still remains that as long as there are people on the planet, someone is going to fight someone else. Turks will be fighting Pakistanis on Oslo’s streets in silly turf wars that no-one understands but them. And for that you need arms - in both senses of the word. It is a business as essentially human as prostitution.

This upsets the carbon-neutral, pro-Guevara, pro-flowers, hybrid-driving, holier-than-thou Communist brigade. They think we should all get along, hug lots and make love, not war, man. And drive Toyota Prii. They also think the military is unnecessary and Capitalist and that it should be disbanded. Which is why Norway’s own Communist party, SV, was so strongly against buying the F-35 Lightning (also known as the Joint Strike Fighter) fighter-bomber. SV is anti-Bush. The F-35 is made by Lockheed Martin, which is American, and is therefore, using SV logic, made by Bush himself. Which, to them, is the same as being made by Satan.

Being made in Hell by Lucifer is, in fact, the best argument those of a Communist disposition have come up with against the F-35. It’s not the only one, though. They have also argued that it will never enter production, even if it is in production already. They think the US will never need them, even if the Yanks are planning to buy about two thousand of them. They have claimed that it is so expensive that buying them means we will have to shut down the Army. Instead we should go for the Swedish option, the SAAB Gripen, which is six billion NOK more expensive. And SAAB is owned by General Motors, so they will be bankrupt in five minutes.

The argument that provided the greatest amounts of mirth, in my not-very-humble opinion, is as follows: “Why should we spend many billions on new fighter planes in a world full of war, hunger, need and conflict?” I’m sorry, but what? Would it be better if we spent billions on fighter planes in a world full of peace?

Violence, just so you know, can actually solve some problems. My solution to the Somali pirate problem is to fill a ship with Special Forces soldiers, give them more guns and ammunition than you could shake a wooden leg at, and get the pirates to hijack that. A quarter of an hour later the pirate problem would be solved. Then the soldiers could sell genuine pirate eye-patches – “good condition, some brain stains” – on eBay so they don’t have to eat their dogs or children.

When I come to power, I shall use the new fighter planes to sort out the gang violence. Do a drive-by on some Iranian, and get a heat-seeking missile straight up the tailpipe of your BMW kebab-series.

So you see, SV, the arms business isn’t all bad. Now gather up so I can drop a laser-guided bomb on you.

[[R-MOD]dunehunter]

Ace writing KP.

[Scot]

Epic win.

[Zimmer]

lence, just so you know, can actually solve some problems. My solution to the Somali pirate problem is to fill a ship with Special Forces soldiers, give them more guns and ammunition than you could shake a wooden leg at, and get the pirates to hijack that. A quarter of an hour later the pirate problem would be solved. Then the soldiers could sell genuine pirate eye-patches – “good condition, some brain stains” – on eBay so they don’t have to eat their dogs or children.

Ace totally agree on that subject.

[[R-COM]Outlawz]

and you have to sell your dog to feed your children. Or, depending on your priorities, sell your children to feed your dog.

LMAO

[Colonelcool125]

Originally Posted by [R-COM]TheScot666

Epic win.

X2!