KP's opinion on the world

[El_Vikingo]

Gaz uses stabilizers?

[[R-MOD]KP]

Originally Posted by Spaz

I drive a scooter and im not spolied, i payed for it myself, and i will pay my own car, the only thing my parents will help me with is the licanse. But i work hard for all my stuff, payed my computer all my airsoft things everything. lol i got a work from i was 14, still go to schoolt but i work when i got school breaks and in the evening.

That may be so, but it's not like that where I live


Well, today there's something else that bothers me. The Porsche Cayenne.




When I first saw this car on TV - it was a Norwegian motoring show doing a test - I instantly recoiled, toppled back over the couch and remained lying behind it, in the foetal position, crying, for several minutes. It was that ugly.

When I'd wiped my tears and recovered from the first shock of seeing the thing, I apprehensively hit up Google for a closer look. I searched for images, found a lot, and spent much time trying to figure this car out. My God, it was ugly. No matter what angle I looked at it from, I still wanted to turn away and vomit. The Porsche engineers obviously spent a lot of time getting the Porsche nose just right, not 911-like, but more butch, bigger, more powerful, if you want. Once they'd finished their work on the front, and were feeling pretty chuffed, they went for a cup of coffee and didn't really bother with the back at all. Or maybe they got depressed when they realized how hideous it had turned out and shot themselves before they could get round to doing the back. Then again, this being Germany, the boss probably saw the result and took them out the back and shot them in the head to prevent any further wrongdoings by them. Then he made the decision to rush the car into production before someone else could mess up the back as much as his former employees had the nose.

Then there's the soul of the car: its purpose, its mission in life, the very reason for its existence. Yes, it is obviously a very good car, both on and off the road. It's German, after all, and therefore does not have to abide by the laws of physics. So it has to be. But it's not a proper off-roader. First, it has a petrol engine. This is not right. A proper off-roader needs a diesel, if nothing else for that low-RPM grunt and off-roader diesel noise. And it's an automatic. An automatic! One of the first commandments is "thou shalt not have an automatic gearbox in thy off-roader." So, with all the un-off-roader-ness it must be a sports car. No. It's an SUV, and thus it is not a proper sports car either. If you want a Porsche sports car, you buy a 911.

So this car is just...wrong. Porsche making an SUV? It's like Mercedes and BMW suddenly deciding to make hatchbacks, namely the A-class and 1-series, respectively. They are good cars, no doubt - my father's owned both and been very happy with them - but it's like Rolex making a shovel. Yes, it may be a very good shovel, scooping earth like none before it, but it's still wrong.

So the car is very expensive, has no point whatsoever and looks like a frog that's been exposed to radiation from a nuclear blast and grown wheels. Who on Earth, then, would buy such a thing? I can't understand it, can't understand why anyone would want one. Nonetheless, the bloody gargoyles are everywhere. And I could never understand why. Until I saw one of them parked at a petrol station. The driver - they all seem to be women, for some reason - was talking to a young man with his hair bleached blond and a pink Gucci sweatband, driving a scooter. I realized that the woman was the kid's mother, and, judging by her offspring, she was rich and a lawyer. She therefore had no soul, and that explains why she bought a Porsche Cayenne.

[[R-DEV]bosco]

Yeah, thats one ugly car.
But money doesnt equal good taste...

[oS2007]

There's a certain point where the look of a vehicle stops saying "Look how cool/pretty/mean my car is," and starts saying "I have so much money that I'll pay extra to drive a brand new eyesore." Just look at modern designer architecture!

[El_Vikingo]

Originally Posted by KP

That may be so, but it's not like that where I live


When I first saw this car on TV - it was a Norwegian motoring show doing a test

Autofil?

[[R-MOD]KP]

Yep

[Ecko]

Hey, I drive a scooter!
They are awesome, cheap, cost effective and great for the environment. There is no need to drive a family saloon on your own to work.

[El_Vikingo]

Great for the environment?

You mean "less polluting".

[[R-MOD]KP]

YouTube could save Formula One

Lately, Formula One has been complaining about a loss of viewers. Not at all strange, you’ll say: it’s boring. And I agree. But why? I wonder. It has the makings of great TV. Cars with big spoilers in ludicrous colours, high speed, prize money and Brazilian women.

And yet… There is something missing. Do not worry, though. I know what is lacking: action.

Yes, action. Formula One is extremely repetitive. It needs change. I realised it watching YouTube the other day. In one clip, American soldiers were practising room-clearing drills. The men are supposed to pile up on the door, one man opens it, and they all move in at once, covering different areas of the room. In this clip, though, one of the “bad guys” inside the room decided to keep the door closed with his foot for laughs. A good prank, absolutely, but it all got so much better when the one that was supposed to open the door came crashing head first through it, sending it and him flying across the room and onto the floor in a heap of wood and laughing soldier. I laughed, too. Hysterically. Then I rewinded and watched him crash through the door again. And again. And again. And every time I laughed just as hard.

There is nothing better than watching someone crash into, trip over or fall off something. That is what Formula One needs. More crashes.

Skiing is a good example of this. Don’t tell me you watch slalom just to see a tanned, muscular German make good time zig-zagging down a slope. You’re secretly hoping that he’ll fall, aren’t you? I know I am. Every time I see a man in a skin-tight suit jump over a mound of snow at a hundred and umpteen kilometres an hour, I nearly stand up because I’m so eager to see him lose his balance and go zooming off, arms and legs flying everywhere, before he crashes into a fence in an explosion of colour, snow and severed limbs. Hopefully, he’ll catch fire. When it finally happens, I laugh so much I nearly wet myself.

Once, I saw a reporter snowboard backwards down a hill, through a forest, while he was talking to the camera. All the time, I was silently willing him to make an error so that he would have to finish his reporting with a 100-year-old Norwegian spruce sticking out of his arse. When he didn’t, I got bored and changed the channel.

It’s the same thing with Formula One. I tune in as the race starts. I get the Coke and crisps out. I lean back in the chair, full of anticipation. But when nobody has gone off the track sideways in a big ball of fire in the first 15 minutes, I get bored again. So I go off and watch Koreans falling off bicycles and being eaten by tigers on the Internet instead. You can only watch Mika Hakkinen go around corners behind some German bloke so many times. Mika needs to try to overtake, and, in the attempt, get pushed off the tarmac, hit an edge and go airborne at 300 KPH. Then he must explode.

When I come to power, I shall introduce new rules to Formula One. At least once every 15 minutes, a wavy-haired Brazilian man must disintegrate along with his car and, preferably, some of the audience. If not, Formula One must be taken off air.

[[R-CON]Alex6714]

Too many regulations kills anything...